Of My Many Excuses

I've been dreaming a big dream and taking itty bitty steps toward pursuing it. And when I think about the size and the weight of this dream, I begin to laugh. Out loud, I laugh and shake my head and say "God, this is the worst possible time for all of this. What am I thinking?"

I feel like I need to get God to follow my Instagram feed.
"See that, God? I have 3 children. Have you counted those faces in my pictures? And look at this photo. Do you know what I was doing right then? Homeschool. God, I teach my family because I felt you asking me to do so. {Do I get brownie points for obedience?}
God, did you see the picture of me having a bad day? That one in particular was really bad. The picture doesn't really show all of it...I guess you know all about it, I just want you to hear my side.
Oh, this day was a day of no pictures. No. But my middle child decided on this day to somehow cover her hands and legs with poop in the bathroom. The smell...nevermind...I screamed when I found her like that. What was I supposed to do? I wished anyone else was there with me to help me clean her up so I could stop gagging.
...
Um.
...
Would you like to see pictures of me cleaning the home or decorating?
Would ANY of this prove to you I'm busy!
And if that weren't enough, I feel like I'm going to fail at that dream over there because I feel like I'm already failing here. When my children talk back to me in a way that only I could teach them...or when I have an anxiety attack and melt in the middle of my kitchen and cry...or when I'm just not being very patient...
don't you think that's failing?"

~

Friend. In the middle of my humanity, in the middle of my tantrum, when I feel my heart is failing me, a simple verse finds me and redefines my reality.

I John 3:20 for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. 



This verse brings freedom. My life as a mommy, teacher, wife, friend, daughter, sister, fellow grocery getter is going to be FULL of failures

and falls

and bruises

I AM GOING TO MESS UP and IT'S OK!

In those moments my heart wants to turn against me and put me in my place or throw a pity party, God is greater than my heart. In the times my heart is broken, whether it's by careless words or the weight of this world, God is greater than my heart.


Isaiah 55:9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
He sees what I can't see and knows what I can never know or understand. And in those times I feel like I need to fill Him in on my pile of excuses, I can almost see Him smile at me with that knowing smile. "C'mon", He says gently "you see what you know, but I see the rest of it from this very moment to eternity. Will you trust me?"

I don't know what questions you're throwing up at the heavens. I don't know if you have a bone to pick with God or a question about something you just don't understand. I don't know if you're like me, surrounded by toys, a week's worth of laundry, dirty diapers, and dishes in the sink. Wherever you are, friend, can I meet you right there for a second?

Right here...this present tense...He knows. And He acknowledges your cries and even your moments of weakness. And HE LOVES you.


    1 John 4:8 
    God is love. 

 IS

He doesn't just feel love towards you and I, He IS love. That means His love is active and moving, always pouring over us. We will never be able to fully understand His love because our humanity allows us to shut down and stop loving.

He never stops.

He IS love and He is Greater than our own hearts. He knows everything.

This makes me love Him all the more.

This truth feels like an embrace, a calm in my soul, and grace for my mistakes.

I will trust Him and lay down my excuses. I will keep pursuing that dream of mine. What about you?

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