Fighting Back

Do you know that feeling? The one where you feel thrown to a pack of wolves? Or better yet, the one where you feel like God plucked you out of your comfort zone and moved you into a new place altogether, saying the word "Community"?

What is this community and why do I feel like I can't trust it?

I spoke with a dear friend who talked to me about bravery, about doing something that took her some time to work up the nerve to do herself. But this community, she knew them. She had learned who they are, laughed with them, even encouraged with them. What I did wasn't brave next to that. What I did, I did blindly. I had to go in blindly because God knows how I feel about community.

He knows my heart breaks at the sound of that word. He knows it's even harder to hold on to that word when I hear it said lovingly by a group of wonderful, strong women. He sees my insecurity...He sees the very scars on my heart that I think of when challenged by the word "community".

It's not that I don't want to be a part. I do.
It's not that I don't need a group of women to laugh/cry/relate with. I need it more than I could ever put into words.

The past...it's too painful sometimes.

Friends who hurt. Friends who manipulate. Friends who reject. Friends who say the most horrible things...words I would never say myself. Friends who set you up and let you down.

Pain.

Pain held my arms to my side and placed its hand over my mouth.  "I never want to hurt like that again." Pain won...until I began to fight back.

You see, I know the truth. I know how God has created me, just like you, for community. He never intended us to be alone. From the very beginning, He said isolation wasn't part of His design. And me? I yearn for friendships and try to be a part. But I get this sinking feeling that I'm not as needed, and I allow myself to fade back into the background.

Last week, God called me out from that wall and I jumped at the chance to be where He wants me. That day was so life giving and healing as He sent total strangers to fill my heart with good things.

And this week, my home is in full prep-mode for hosting an {in}RL meetup. I'm running around like a crazy person, getting everything ready with the full intention of being MARY this weekend and sitting at His feet...with my community.

Is it strange that I want to say to each woman who comes, "We may not know each other well, but I'm glad you're here. I need you here."?

I just pray God can use my living room as His own this weekend. I know I'm not the only hurt woman in the world. I know I'm not the only one who questions motives or fears the unknown of others. I know I'm not the only one who sees these wonderful, strong women...and feels small...or not good enough to ever be called her friend.

God, you are welcome here. Bind up these wounds, mine and hers, and show us what you see. Fill my home with your presence and all your good graces. Hug us, build us up, and bring us together. Be so close. Love so much. Teach us community. YOUR community. Amen.