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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Gentle Correction

If you knew you only had a 2 month window in which to get pregnant before a birth control treatment kicks in, would you try to map out the best days and times?

I did.

I remember having a conversation with my Mom right after Mike and I decided to try for another child. I shared with her how I don't want to get my hopes up and risk my heart being broken if/when it doesn't happen. I also shared with her that this baby would need to be "in the making" within the next 2 months before my b.c. kicks in. I just can't go through the pain I've experienced very much longer. My Mom told me to have faith and not put myself through the stress of taking my temperature and finding the "right" moment for an attempt at pregnancy.

While I did take her advice, I also tried other ways of mapping out a game plan. I guess I just wanted to know if it was even worth it to try if we would only really be able to try in July. I just wanted to see an estimation of when I would be ovulating according to my cycle. I used the same website I used when Mike and I wanted to try for Alex. They show on the calendar when the best days are to "try". Mind you, the first time I used this website, I was already pregnant and didn't know it. God was trying to tell me something. He's in control.

I should share that since I've had Alex, my body sends off all kinds of signals when I ovulate. I never could feel it before him, but since his birth, I get tingles and cramps on the day I'm ovulating. I know. Sounds fun, right?

Back to the website. I entered in my cycle info and clicked the "calculate" button to see what the calendar had to tell me. Well, I already screwed up for June. We had our talk too late and missed my ovulation day. Oh, well. I had the dates for July and would be ready to try then.

I decided not to share what I found out with Mike. He would probably scold me for looking, anyway. He wants me to trust God and His timing more than a website. (Wow, that looks bad when I read it back to myself. Do I put more faith in a website than God?)

Then, God gave me a gentle reminder. He's STILL in control. That's right! How could I overlook that fact AGAIN? It turns out, the website was wrong with its prediction.

WAIT! Before you get all excited...I don't have a pregnancy to report. Just a lesson learned. Go ahead. Sit back down. Put down your phone. Are you still with me? Good.

A couple days after Mike and I came to an agreement to try for another child and one day after I looked up my cycle on the website, I started to ovulate.

(Here come the tears)

God really wants all of me to trust Him. There is not a thing He can't do. He makes all things "go". He makes all systems work. He taught me an important lesson. If He says I ovulate later than scheduled, it will be. If He says we're going to have another child, it will be. If He only wants me to learn a lesson and doesn't have a child in mind for us right now, it will be.

I can honestly say, "I get it. Your will, NOT mine, be done."

I surrender.


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