No More Isolation: My Awakening

I seem to learn something new from each child I'm blessed with. It's true that they each show me something different about myself and they make me want to be a better person.

• Alex taught me all about how boys are wired and the importance of preserving the boy in him. He also gave me a great appreciation for trucks and road construction. {It's funny how that happens.}
• Eliana has taught me the extreme importance of my example to her. That little girl watches EVERYTHING I do and tries to mimic it all. 
• And Mikayla? Well, she's the reason for this post...

Having Mikayla has shaken me awake to some things. I'm not sure exactly how it all happened, but I found myself feeling very different...not physically...personally.

{Have you ever had a moment when everything suddenly became crystal clear?}

The greatest of my "ah-ha" epiphanies was about my own isolation. It's terribly sad, but after I had Eliana, I began to slowly turn myself off. It was as if someone was cranking down a water line; it doesn't turn off immediately. Every part of it was subtle enough to not feel it until I was awakened to it while completely enveloped by it.

Before this time I wasn't uber outgoing, but I was friendly. I would chat it up with anyone and I loved having friends around me.

{How I long to have those friendships rekindled.}

But I became comfortable in my day-to-day life. I was cozy in my quietness. And the more I stayed in that isolated spot, the more I withdrew from everyone.

I had a few attempts at stepping outside of myself enough to connect with other people. I tried to fight what I was doing to myself. I gave up every time, though. I just kept to myself and my kiddos. I believed that people were kind but were also too busy with their relationships to add me in their circle. {that's just silly}

Anyway, along came Mikayla at the end of 2011...just when most people are trying to figure out what their New Year's resolution will be for 2012. I didn't want to "resolve" to do anything. {I just had a baby...isn't that resolution enough? } But I did want to challenge myself with one single word. A word I would strive to define for myself and do/be.

After spending time in thought and prayer, a word came to me.

Engage.

What a great word. Especially for someone who had chosen to withdraw herself from people and friendships.

Engage.

So here I am in my new year, with a new look on life. I've begun to step out of my comfort zone and talk to people more, befriend people, give a warm smile to someone I don't know, or hug those who are in my life a little tighter.

I kind of suspect that I had fallen prey to postpartum depression during the time between having Eliana and Mikayla but I hate to blame any thing for what I went through. Whatever you want to call it, it was my reality and I'm SO happy to be stepping into the sunlight and surrounding myself with friends again. I don't want to diagnose my past, I just want to move forward.

You know?

If you could choose a word to challenge yourself with, what would it be?