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Friday, April 20, 2012

Butterfly Kisses

For the longest time, I've been in love butterflies. It's not just because they're beautiful. It's mostly because I see my life when I look at them and it makes me so at peace.

I've wanted to share about this here but I had to think carefully about how I would approach the topic. Honestly, I could say 1,000 things about them and how I relate to them.

For the purpose of this post, I think I'll just stick with looking at the life cycle of a butterfly.

The Egg:

Before I was even born, God had a plan for my life. He knew my journey would be incredible and at times difficult. Still, he knit me together and put his thumbprint on my life.

The Caterpillar:

Goodness. This stage is hard for me to look at in great detail. This is the part of my life that I spent "getting fat" on what the world had to offer me. Have you ever read the book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar? One day the caterpillar enjoys one thing and the next 2, and the get the idea. Indulgence. I spent so much time indulging in myself and my desires. I was hurt so many times and by my own choices too. I unfortunately suffered scars of molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, rape, being cheated on {a few different times}, broken promises, a suicide attempt, anorexia, depression, anxiety...the list goes on and on. So I had to indulge in things that made me feel good as a means of escape.

And God said "Enough".

The Chrysalis:

I met my husband and felt like I was finally tucked away from those painful shards of memories. I was "tucked in" to feelings of peace, grace, hope, happiness, love, and more. But being "tucked in" was not enough to remove the pain.

No, my friends. The pain can only be removed with time.

So I waited...and waited...and tried everything I knew to rid myself of the pain from my past. While being securely held by love, I learned that I couldn't run from anything or "get rid" of anything. No. I had to face it and it was like I was having a bad dream.

I went through a twelve step study called Celebrate Recovery and it was at this time that I began to heal from those wounds. I was pregnant with my first child and I was desperate to shake off the shards and splinters so I could be a healthy mom. I learned to face it...and forgive...and let go...and take responsibility...and cling to God's love like never before...and heal.

And one, glorious day...

The Butterfly:

I emerged a changed person. I was completely different in every way,  yet, I was still the same person. You see, inside every butterfly lives a caterpillar story. And when they flutter around so freely, there is still the past where they were crawling the ground and a means of escape...from something. The difference is in the chrysalis stage. Everything changed when I surrendered it all and took time to heal.

The promise of the butterfly is:

"I will never be the same again".

And I'm free.

Now I see butterflies all the time. I see them in the trees. They flutter across the hood of my car while I'm stopped at a light. Heck, one jumped out of a box when we raised two of them in our home recently. This butterfly walked right up onto my hand and stayed there until I put it down outside...and it fluttered away. These are what I call "butterfly kisses". I remember my past but in such a happy way now. If not for the caterpillar, I would never experience the sweet,simple freedom of the butterfly.



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