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Monday, October 6, 2014

God Size Dreamin' In Real Time

And it doesn't look at all like I pictured or even imagined. See, when I thought it meant community, I pictured joining a MOPS group just starting up at my church. When I thought it meant to sing, I pictured sticking strictly with singing on Sundays and seeing where that led. When I thought it meant writing, I pictured myself writing songs for the church. It's a little funny the way God has whispered to me, "You're so close, but what if all of that ran down this vein instead?".

The hubster and I were approached earlier this year about possibly, maybe heading up a ministry on Wednesday nights for 5th graders. We were so polite when we kept our composure and answered that we would pray about it. {ha, ha} And if I can be honest? I walked away from that conversation, got into the car, and told my husband "I don't think that's a good fit for me".

Meanwhile, God laughed. I'm sure He was laughing as if to say "You're RIGHT, Amy. THAT'S not what I had in mind either!".  As time passed, though, I found myself thinking up ways to say a kind "No" to the request.

Long summer, short, the hubster decided, with much conviction, that he was going to take up the request whether I did or not...but in the same breath he said he needed me. How in the world could I tell my life partner that I understand he needs me but I'm too selfish and uncomfortable to say yes with him? I couldn't. I hopped into the dugout with him, his life partner and teammate.

We went to a meeting to talk about our 5th grade class and what we were expected to do. And as soon as our bottoms hit our seats, we were being told that we're needed to head up the class for the 3rd, 4th, AND 5th graders. I'm sure I turned 5 shades whiter than I normally am. And as I was having a minor panic attack, my wonderful hubster was all smiles saying he was excited. "That makes one of us", I thought.

And as I prayed through it, I realized that what was hindering my excitement was the honest to goodness weight of what I was being asked to do. "God. You're going to trust me with ALL of these little hearts? But what if I mess it all up? And really? ME? God, I would put myself on a shelf before I would put myself in leadership of anything." It was and is honestly too much for ME, but when I stop looking at my own strength and line myself up behind God and just trust Him...really trust Him...I can breathe and enjoy this place I find myself right now.

Every Wednesday, I pass that MOPS group as I head downstairs to my kiddos. And though my flesh would beg to be a part of that group and that community, I'm learning that community also looks like supporting all those women by caring for their children. And y'all, I'm honestly excited for every week I get to spend with these amazing kids. I'm learning that singing also means learning crazy dance moves to lead the world's next leaders and doctors and teachers and parents in worship.  I'm learning that writing looks like lesson ideas and crafting a "club song" and still letting my hands work in this blogging space as well as with the other songs I feel I need to be working on.

See, my thoughts and ideas were so limiting. I had these nice little containers to fit God in and tried to define my own place and my own "call". But when I just let that go - when I stacked up the containers and pushed them to the side to make room for HIM - I was overwhelmed by all that He has for me. The God sized dream is truly that, God sized. Let's not pretend we know what it looks like but be faithful to the "yes" for this day and this time, not worried about what will come next or how we'll ever fill the space of what we're even being called to today. "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10



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