Diggin' Up the Past chapt. 2

Here's a small glimpse at my first apartment. That's my cat, Diffie and a picture of a certain heroine, Tori Amos.

This was a place of new discovery for me. It was my rented independence.

I decided to move out of my parent's house when I was 21. Before that age, and after hitting the age of 19, I practically lived outside of their home...I just slept on the floors of people's homes, hotel rooms, even a warehouse in Detroit at one point. Those 3 years were my darkest and most difficult to come through.

When I was 19, I met someone who was wonderful and terrible at the same time. The details are a bit much for a blog but I convinced this guy to "break up" with his girlfriend so we could be together. When he did that, she went off the deep end (I'm being very literal here). She suddenly required bottles of meds to be stable and drove us straight into a creek one night. After this situation, I began to understand her instability as my own began.

I heard every day how fat I was from my "soul mate". Mind you, I weighed about 100 pounds. I was constantly told I was worthless. I was smacked and thrown into trees and walls. I was locked in a closet when he decided to hang out with his friends. I was a slave to a terrible lie and I believed every bit of it. I watched him be intimate with other people and I had to keep my mouth shut. This was what I "deserved" for being me.

I became anorexic. I refused to eat food and I would only drink a bottle of water and a bottle of Pepsi a day. I smoked and drank a lot of alcohol. I was down to about 75 pounds when a friend's mom made a comment on my appearance and asked my boyfriend what he was doing to me. He was very angry. He took me to B.K. and bought 2 twelve packs of chicken nuggets and stared at me while I was supposed to be eating. I excused myself to use the bathroom so I could throw up in solitude (I didn't know the window was open). He heard me and became even more mad. I can't remember all that happened to me after that, but I know he threw my head against a wall before I fell to the floor.

I figured out very quickly that this guy would be my demise. If he didn't kill me, I would die from malnutrition. I had lots of Christians speaking into my life (including my parents) and I decided to leave him.

Sorry this is so heavy. I have to share that (I left out a lot) to get you to the 21 year old.

This Amy thought she was happy. She was dating Mike (the hubster) and finally felt like she was worth something. Her greatest role model was Ani Difranco as dating an abusive guy brought out the feminist in her.

Yep. This was happiness...or was it?

For an answer to her so-called happiness, I'll mention her love for Patty Griffin (another musician). Quite often she would listen to and sing these words:

Diamonds, roses, I need Moses
To cross this sea of loneliness, Part this red river of pain
I don't necessarily buy any key to the future or happiness
But I need a little place in the sun sometimes Or I think I will die

Everywhere is somewhere And nowhere is near
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer
So I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here
With an empty apartment and a best friend who is queer
Every time I see him he smiles
And he tells me how well he's walking these miles
But he never ever asks a single thing about me
If I die, he'd hear about it eventually
Diamonds, roses, I need Moses
To cross this sea of loneliness, Part this red river of pain

I won't leave this story hanging in the darkness it's brought you too. There's more to this and I promise after I've posted the other blogs I have planned, you'll see that it was all for a purpose. I'll also mention that I've gone through a study to find my healing from this. This story doesn't sting like it used to.

*And in Your hands, the pain and hurt look less like scars and more like character. Sara Groves*