I wasn't being dramatic. I wasn't even having a pity party for myself. I was really at the place where I was ready to stop blogging altogether...or at least save my blogging for another project I'm working on locally.
I felt the slowing begin just before I headed off to Allume. Something in me was beginning to change at that time but I didn't know what it meant or why. I was only sure that no matter what, I must have my blog. I had dreams..."God-Sized" ones...of writing a book, and becoming the next {Enter big name Christian blogger/author/ here}. It was only after Allume that I realized my "God-Sized" dreams were just giant ego trips I wanted to take. They were idols I wanted to chase down and conquer and THEN I would give God the glory...of course.
Ouch, right? My heart. My heart is always coming from a place of wanting to serve only Him but YOU GUYS...the flesh can be so tricky and deceiving.
I told you about how I asked God if I could go to Allume and He paid my way. He provided beyond everything I had financially and whisked me away. Naturally, I thought I would learn more about blogging whilst at the Christian blogging conference but I decided long before attending that I would go with no agenda at all. I wanted to go and let God lead me to where I should be...the entire conference.
I would be surprised if I handed out more than 30 business cards in a sea of HUNDREDS. I didn't want to build a readership. I didn't want to become so-and-so's new BFF so she could maybe make me relevant. I didn't want to rub shoulders with brands in a way that would only benefit me and my love of stuff. I honestly, sincerely went to follow Him...and I did meet people in that time but those connections were heart connections.
I cried with women I had just met....over and over and "Are you crying again?". I went with an open heart and God made His agenda very clear to me. I was not to focus on my blog. I was there to get free. In fact, one of the speakers said something that still rings in my heart even though I never wrote it down on paper. She said "...You're trying to provide hope for victims of child molestation but you, yourself, haven't wrestled with those wounds. God is telling you that here, you can find freedom. ...He's looking at you saying 'I want to breathe life into you'."
And it still chokes me up. He brought me all that way to set me apart and set.me.free.
And so I got home and wrestled with these things I had built for myself. You see, God had just done something extravagant for me. He had just sung me a love song that lasted an entire 4 day weekend and there was no way I could go home and start blogging again. There was nothing left in me that wanted one more follower or one more retweet or one more person to make me feel like I mattered. No. I had determined in my heart and said it in prayer "God, if you don't go with me, I'm not going."
And that was it. What more was there to say? I did not want to put my hand to one more thing in my own name. Saying "No" to things became very easy for me to do. If it doesn't fit with where I am right now in this place, I can't do it.
The story goes on, friends. There's more to tell but only so much time. In short, I feel called away from all I've known here and into a journey where I work to bring freedom to others. And I'm looking into the darkest place I've ever seen as more and more stories rise to the surface but the faces in the stories are worth the effort. These are the faces of my sisters. God set me free so I could understand what it really means to be free...and I can share that with others now.
My One Word for 2014 is "Free". In all it's different forms and whatever tense you can work that word, I'm excited to see it play out this year.
More changes may come as far as this blog is considered, but for now I wait.
<3
...I've already told you about #JEANuary, right? ;)
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